TalkPTC
General => General Fun and Flames => Topic started by: phoenixas on June 30, 2008, 10:04:10 AM
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A small rabbit jumped to bakeries, asked: "Hi boss,Do you have 100 small bread ah?"
The boss: "ah, I am sorry, not so much"
"This ah..." Small rabbit Chuitousangqi to left.
The next day, small rabbit jumped to bakeries, "Hi boss, has 100 small bread ah?"
The boss: "Sorry, did not ah"
"This ah..." Small rabbit and Chuitousangqi to left.
Third day, small rabbit jumped to bakeries, "the boss, has 100 small bread ah?"
The boss happy, said: "With there, and today we have 100 small bread!"
Small rabbit take out of money: "very good, I bought two!"
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lol thats cool :)
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AhmadG : *calls the town police station* Hello? I need your help!
Police Officer : Alright, What is it?
AhmadG : 2 girls are fighting over me!
Police Officer : So what's your emergency?
AhmadG : The ugly 1 is winning.
;D
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This one cool joke also >> http://www.talkptc.com/index.php?topic=52886.0 =:))
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=:)) LOL =:)) LOL...............
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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R.I.P Mr Smartest Man In The World............ =:))
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
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=:))
Its Johnny's birthday, so his wife decides to surprise him, she takes him to a Strip Club.
At the club :-
DOORMAN: Hey Johnny! How are you?
WIFE: How does he know you?
Johnny: We play Golf together!
BARTENDER: The usual beer Johnny?
WIFE: And how does he know you?
Johnny: He's on the Bowling Team!
HOT STRIPPER: The special Lap Dance again, Johnny?
The Wife storms out...... dragging Johnny with her, into a taxi!
TAXI DRIVER: Hey Johnny....You picked an ugly one this time....Same Hotel?
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:innocent: >:)
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Johnny and his wife at home talking
Wife : Honey, is it that every weekend you have fishing trips?
Johnny : Thats right my love, any problem?
Wife : I want to tell you that, another "fish" that you fished, called and said shes pregnant
=:)) =:))
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=:)) =:))
Doctor : I regret to tell you that you
have a brain tumor.
Johnny : (jumps in joy) YES!!!!
Doctor: Did you get what
I just told you?
Johnny : Yes of course, do you think I’m dumb?
Doctor : Then why are you so
happy instead of being sad?
Johnny : It’s a thing of joy to me cos everyone
says i have no brain but at least now this proves
that I have a brain….
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=:))
nice one...
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After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation. Fyi, after the operation I've changed my name from Johnny to Jenny." =:))
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April Fooooooooooooool..............................
A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "april fool!"
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uuumm
(http://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130909105555/pacificrim/images/0/09/Homer-Simpson-wingnuts-doh.gif)
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Warning! Warning! DON'T LIE TO LITTLE GIRL, It's dangerous..... :innocent:
There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on a beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up toward him and asked, "What's that under your newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied. "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he awoke, he was in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I dont know. I was lying on the beach, and this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dosed off and the next thing I know im here" The police went to the beach found the little girl and asked her "What did you do after that?" After a pause the little girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!" =:))
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Jenny, a little old lady living in Capetown, answered a knock on the door one Friday, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning, Ma'am,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said Jenny brusquely. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money,' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he commanded. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
'Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
Jenny stepped back and said with a smile, 'Well let me get you a spoon, young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.' =:))
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Ok, one more joke for today..... & hope you guys hv a nice & relaxing weekend ;)
One day, Johnny, the bus driver, was in his bus when the biggest man he had ever seen got on. The giant looked at the driver and growled, 'Big Eric doesn't pay' , and took his seat.
Johnny was only a little man and he didn't really want to argue.
This happened for several days. After a week, Johnny was beginning to get a little angry. Everybody else paid, so why not the big man?
So Johnny went to the gym and started a course of body-building. He didn't want to be frightened of Big Eric any longer.
Eight weeks later the driver had strong muscles and was feeling very fit.
At the usual stop, Big Eric got on. 'Big Eric doesn't pay' , he barked; but this time Johnny was prepared for him. He stood up, shaking slightly, and said between clenched teeth, 'Oh, yeah? And why doesn't Big Eric pay?'
'Because Big Eric has got a bus pass card', the man replied. =:))
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Relaxing. =D>
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Joke of the Day :innocent:
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
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Ok, a joke for today..... :innocent:
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough." =:))
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:innocent:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!" =:))
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:mmmm
well, not bad :P
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Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a
duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly
man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
... very tall, dark hair, and muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you
for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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I wonder what was the intention of who created this joke. :mmmm
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Happy Eid al-Fitr to all my muslim friends from around the world :-h
Don't forget to give some "sedekah" to poor & needy in this holy month of syawwal
Here's a joke for you guys
A story of an Imam who got up after Friday prayers and announced to the people:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
Happy holiday, may ALLAH bless you guys, Ameen... :praying:
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Woohoohoohoooooooooooo..... =:))
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway." =:)) swim:
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I saw a young teenage kid on the subway today. He had a Mohawk hairstyle dyed yellow, green, and red. He caught me staring at him and in a nasty voice asked, "What the f*ck are you looking at?" I replied, "Sorry, but when I was about your age I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son." =:))
Happy weekend guys ;)
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::lol
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2 jokes for u guys n gals out there...........
1st
Three guys survive a plane crash in the desert. They wander for days, starving and thirsty. They finally come across a lone house and knock on the door, desperate for help. A crusty old lady answers, and says she'd be happy to help if one of them will agree to satisfy her sexually first. After a quick discussion, one of the guys decides to take one for the team. He walks in to her bedroom while the other two wait outside the house. He tells her to close her eyes and open her legs. He quickly runs to the kitchen and grabs the first p@nis-shaped thing he can find, an ear of corn. He shoves it in her, and throws it out the window. Grabs another, rams it in and throws it out the window. She is finally satisfied and agrees to cook for them. He goes outside to get his friends, and they exclaim, "We're actually not hungry anymore. We just ate some delicious, buttery corn on the cob!" =:))
2nd
Two homeless men are devising a plan to get free drinks at a bar. The first one has an idea: "We'll buy a hot dog and stick it down your pants, walk into the bar, get our drinks, drink, and when the bartender asks for his money, you pull down your pants and I suck on the hot dog that you put down there. He'll kick us out, and we wont have to pay. It's brilliant!" The second man agrees and they do this in the first bar where it works just as planned. Then they hit up 4 more bars and the first man says, "This is great, getting all these free drinks!" The other man replies, "Yeah, especially because the hot dog fell out at the first bar." =:))
Hv a nice day..... ;)
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Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly." =:))
Happy weekend guys....................
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Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly." =:))
Happy weekend guys....................
This one had me going! =:))
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Emmm.... maybe I'll do below actions if Ms Aurora reject my love....
Method 4 looks like a good idea... LOL =:))
A Guide To Properly Commit Suicide On 5 Different Methods
When it life is nothing but to be ended..what are the best suicide methods to use ?
Method 1 : Sleep Pills
Characteristic : This has to be the smoothest, most comfortable and efficient method, the success rate could even be up to 90% … suitable for all ages, races and religious … Used very often by female to avoid the painful feeling and being afraid of death itself.
Because it's a death in sleep, sleep and never get up..it works so softly like a good night sleep to take you to the next world. Besides sleep pills there are also other medication with similar effect when taken in high dosage without following prescription or direction of use.
How to do it :
– Run to your local CVS or Safeway store and spend the rest of everything in your wallet, small changes, credit cards and debit cards to buy bunch of sleep pills, if it's not enough you can try a different store… approximately 150 packages would be beautiful. If the cashier or someone asks just say : I buy to gift my friends.
– After that, sneak into your room , lock the door carefully because if you get caught it's gonna be really hard to make another attempt next time…It's best to rent a hotel room to continue the process, it's clean , easy and you may even make it to the daily newspaper.
– Then you gonna need to boil about 5 gallon of water, try not to use tap water since it may cause diarrhea, very inconvenient, disgusting and kinda impolite to people who's gonna open your dead body to investigate the cause of dead. Now it's time to suck clean the 150 packages you brought…even when you are getting sleepy in the middle of it you must try to stay awake and finish them all.
If no one catches you doing this then you may now die… fast, simple, and easy to complete.
Method 2 : Jump into river, jump off a bridge
Characteristic : This method causes death by the help of aqua…Water go into your mouth, into your nose, your bellybutton …blocks your respiration pathway, f*ck if it's impossible to breath … then, you die.
This plan is particularly not for people who's afraid of death, because naturally, to tell someone to jump off a bridge from a 3 miles in height to the water, no regular dude would do it.
It is also not for swimmer, Because during the last few breath of suffering, the need to live motivation definitely makes you swim like a fish to land… for the record , the swim speed could be up to 80 mph in some unfinished suicidal cases.
How to do it :
– Find a nearby river, or some pond around your area. It is very important to find a deep water location, it's known to be very difficult to die in shallow water since you can stand that's why…it's the best to find some place water level higher than a 4 feet tall man…avoid to use river or pond near to your house..it's more likely that your neighborhood might interrupt you, they could even drag you away from the water.
– Remember to wear a lot of clothes, that helps put more into the total body weight so you can drown easily and much faster. It also makes it harder if someone decides to save you. Don't jump down naked, especially for girls. Random boys probably just wait for this god-given chance to jump and save you ..it's nearly impossible to die with them around. Even worse after that comes the hero doing the free CPR aid, massage on your naked body and further unexpected action. Worse than death itself!
– It's totally fine for bigger person to do this method, if you are skinny and petite it's recommended to tie a robe around your neck and the other end of the robe to a heavy rock then throw it straight to the water…now even if you want to come up it won't give a chance. So there you gone, enjoy the after life
Note : This method seems not to be commonly used, because after 3 days your body comes up to the surface, swollen like a hyppo, eyes popped out..extremely ugly. For those who prefer to be a beautiful corpse for your beautiful coffin , do not use this method.
Method 3 : Hang yourself
Characteristic : This is also a way to die from a blocked respiration system, but it's different thanks to the rope and the gravity. UNESCO has voted for it as the most haunting, scary death of the year. What else could be more terrifying than a dead body hung in the middle of the house from the ceiling.
This way of suicide does not harm your body very much, only a line of bruise around the neck..and a pale face like a rotten grape. Avoid using sharp rope that results in completely separate head from body like those cases in Iraq.
How to do it :
– Location is not so limit like the last two method of using sleep pills or jump off a bridge..you only need to find a quiet less-crowded place, where no one around. Be sure to find something high off the ground so you can throw the rope up later.
– When you have found it, throw your rope over it…it could be a tree branch , the upper vertical bar of a soccer goal, a ceiling fan, basketball hoop etc … Make sure it's strong enough to hold your body up for at least 15 minutes…because if you fall down , it's going to be a different cause of death not hanging type anymore.
– Not to mention the rope you use to hang yourself, it has to be hard, familiar to you to comfort your death..! It could be your belt, your scarf, pig rope…do not use silk thread! Also before your last breath try to show your tongue out , squeeze your eyes super hard…to emphasize the level of creepiness.
– Also be noted about how to properly tie a secured knot for your rope…if you don't know how to do it you should ask someone to help you to do it..then you can use it to die later.
Method 4 : Die from a road accident
Characteristic :
– Of course that this is NOT a fortunate and unpurpose death.. but it is a well planned method..therefore theoretically it's a type of suicide.
– This kind of suicide is actually a little bit insane, only for people who are too upset with the world and unable to control their emotion..then use it. Good thing is it comes and ends pretty fast.
– Note : If it's unlucky that you don't die after the car hit then it's going to be a big disaster for yourself..! broken legs, broken arms, broken penis…but not dead…continue to live is nothing could be worse than that..especially a vegetable life. Bless those who success to die on the ambulance to hospital.
– This method has been especially posted on the front page of Time News to show their support to the week of most terrible suicides around the world. Because it's really creepy…who ever sees it definitely gives up eating for few days..! You could be crushed into pieces like the meat balls rolling…or missing head, missing middle body or even worse..some dog might pick your brain for food.
Direction :
– You have to be ready and well prepared to perform all the steps…Therefore patiently calm yourself with a cup of coffe, have a small McDonald meal while waiting. Do not eat too much because shortly after the accident, all those food may just splash everywhere on the road, that would soooo be an embarrassment.
– Done eating yet? Now go to your nearest main street or a high way…look for the biggest fastest coming van or suv. Determine your footstep and direction.
– After that simply throw your head straight to the front of that car..you must be quick and clean else the driver may notice and ruins the entire plan.
– If it is done properly you should feel no pain, only 1 loud sound : Baaaaaaaaaaam then your soul and body are separated…that'll make a crowd..goal achieved.
– You could also roll under the car if you try to keep your brain in place..if you are a bit too fat you should not do this because it may flip the car since it's coming at high speed.
Note :
This method works well for people who still think of their family, because the life insurance may pay big time. Of course you must act your suicide that it looks like an accident.
This method also helps you to be famous quickly, got into the news like MJ, a fancy furneral even…otherwise your date of birth could be a record for future lottery bidder.
Method 5 Electrocution
Characteristic :
– This must be the most complicated, difficult and brainstorming plan.
Very less people prefer to this method, if there is, it would be only well educated person..or whoever wanna die in a strange way..!
– This method is also similar to people who gets hit by the lightning and die…both related to electric energy…but suicide by lightning is really rare fyi.
– If you want this kind of death considers a few turn downs such as a totally burned body that looks like coal…hairless corpse…the entire body smells like a dead dog..ugliness comes with no border, even the teeth turn absolute dark.
– This suicide method guarantees an instant popularity to the body owner, since the rare one is always the awesome one.
Direction :
Very complicated..because it's unsure whether you will die or not. Depend on the outlet source you use to commit your death.
– If you point your finger to the regular home outlet and you don't die then you plus your family end up spending the rest of the life paying medical bills.
– It's best to find the high voltage source such as those on the streets or near metro stations ..you know, those one with the skeleton head and crossing bones it should be easy to recognize them from many places. Then climb up the thing, by all means find a way to stick your finger inside where the energy travel…your wish then will be granted. A requirement is you must be an educated person to know specifically where there is electricity running.
– During the shock do not pull your finger back…try to stay in touch with it until it's almost light out..then drop to the ground..if some dude runs to your try to help , under no circumstances should you let him touch you, tell him to gtfo or whatever it may work or come up from your dead brain..because if he does touch you he'll get shocked and probably die too . That makes you end up committing a crime before your death. It won't be good for your future record.
– It's also possible for a more advanced suicide method by take use of the power of lightning…When it pours…climb up to the top of the highest building..make sure you bring a metal pole and raise it high over your head point toward to the dark cloud and wait…!! It's the most efficient way. Because if you wait under a tree it's going to take forever to happen…even when it happens you may not be there anymore.
THE END or rather R.I.P =:))