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There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."
How to Please Your I.T. Department01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support
Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies: -It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
OK, so there's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!" She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!"
As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."
Q. Do you know the true reason for all of these blonde jokes?A. Brunettes and redheads think they look smart making them all up!Q. What do you call a brunette between two blonds???A. LUCKY! (She finally gets some attention!)Q. What's black and blue and lying in a ditch?A. A Redhead who has told one too many dumb blond jokes.Q. What does a redhead miss the most at a party?A. The Invitation !Q. Why are there so many blond jokes?A. Because the blonds are out with all the men, the brunettes and redheads have nothing better to do on Friday and Saturday nights.
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
