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A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 of them."
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer" "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
Statement: "I'm a Romantic."True Meaning: "I'm poor."Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."Statement: "Do you love me?"True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."Statement: "How much do you love me?"True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."Statement: "I have something to tell you."True Meaning: "Get tested."Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."Statement: "I think we should just be friends."True Meaning: "You're ugly."Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."True Meaning: "Next!!!!"Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A. They're married.Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow.Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A. They already have boyfriends.Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A. Both of them.Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer. Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds? A. The bonds mature. Q. Why are blond jokes so short? A. So men can remember them. Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A. We don't know; it has never happened.Q. What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man?A. Lazy
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.
Why does a man prefer blondes? Men always like intellectual company. Why does a man like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.What should you give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to work it. B. Penicillin Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk. Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A.A dog is always happy to see you B.A dog only takes a couple of months to trainWhat do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.What did God say after creating man? I can do better.What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed.How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.What is the thinnest book in the world? "What men know about women."How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares?How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken.What is a man's idea of doing housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum. What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
