0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Answering Service At The Mental Institute"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
Questions?If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?If you take a Oriental person and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented?Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?What do chickens think we taste like?What do people in China call their good plates?What do you call a male ladybug?What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a baldman?When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?When they first invented the clock, how did they know what timeit was to set it to?Which is the other side of the street?Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"
Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers.He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything.He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died. You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.*Moral of the story: Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.
The Perks of Being Over 40... 1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 9. You can live without sex but not without glasses. 10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 15. You sing along with elevator music. 16. Your eyes won't get much worse. 17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"
Drive Through ATM Procedures Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. MALE PROCEDURE* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.* 2 Put down your car window.* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt. * 6 Put window up.* 7 Drive off.FEMALE PROCEDURE* 1 Drive up to cash machine.* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.* 5 Turn the radio down.* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.* 9 Insert card.* 10 Re-insert card the right side up* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.* 12 Enter PIN.* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.* 14 Enter amount of cash required.* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.* 19 Re-check make-up again.* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.* 22 Retrieve card.* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles. * 27 Release Parking Brake.
Two policemen are going to work:- Shall we take a bus or walk?- Well, lets see what arrives first.
A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him:- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.
On a narrow mountain road a man sees a police car driving uphill backwards.- Hi guys. Why are you driving backwards?- Because we are not sure that we will find a place to make a u-turn on the top of the mountain.After one hour the same man sees the same police car driving downhill backwards again.- But guys, why are you driving backwards again?- We found a place to make a u-turn up there.
