Rich Greenback's collection

[Rich Greenback]

Thank you Mr. Rich!

You're welcome.   

Twysted might enjoy this video   : 

[Rich Greenback]

A big burly bartender had a contest going. Anyone that could get another drop of juice out of a lemon after he squeezed it would receive $1000. All the stevedores, lumberjacks, oil workers, workers every type of strong men tried, but they all failed. Then, one day a scrawny little man with glasses and a derby hat came in, and asked to try out. Of course all the barflies, etc., laughed their heads off. If those other strong men couldn't do it, how could this small person possibly do it. So the bartender got a lemon and squeezed with all his might until no more juice was left and handed it to him. He squeezed and squeezed and, by George, not one, but three drops came out! The bartender couldn't believe it!

He exclaimed, "How did you do that? What line of work are you in, mister?"

The answer was: "Why, I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

[Rich Greenback]

Taken from here:  http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1302870

How To Get Out of Jury Duty
by: RufusTFirefly

Not too many people like the idea of being called for jury duty. Come to think of it, I can't name one person who enjoys the idea of sitting with eleven other people, listening to a couple of overpaid story tellers discuss the rules of the country.

Jury duty should only be reserved for the few sick people out there who actually want to torture themselves. It should be set up like the organ donor program. If you don't want to do it, check the box which says 'Non-Participant'.

However, since we don't live in a perfect society, I am here to offer some sound advice on how to avoid this nuisance.

The first thing to remember about jury duty, if it's not a high profile case, you will likely lose time and money from your employer. If you should be fortunate to land on an O.J. trial, under no circumstances, should you follow this advice. I am here to help those people who have no book prospects after a jaywalking trial goes thirteen days.

How To Get Out of Jury Duty:

1. Both lawyers are given a set number of people they can dismiss without any reason given. If you are a woman, and this is a rape trial, your day is likely over very quickly. However, if you should make it through round one, a surefire way to be dismissed would be to start sending revealing pictures of yourself to the defendant and his lawyer. Once the prosecution catches this, you're done.

2. While listening to a lawyer explain the case, laugh out loud repeatedly. If this is a murder trial, high-five the other jurors and make off-color remarks. You may get a contempt of court charge out of the deal, but you won't get stuck for two weeks.

3. Always have a bad story ready. If you are lucky enough to be involved in an insider trading case, reveal that you were homeless for a period of six months because your spouse was sent to jail for embezzlement. No one is going to look into the facts. Lawyers don't care about facts, they care about telling a story which will win them the case. Remember, the truth has no business in a courtroom.  Again, always have a story ready. Rape, murder, incest, embezzlement, drugs, assault, cross-dressing, jaywalking, DUI, voyeurism, passing bad checks, selling guns, underage drinking, you need to have a story to combat any possible trial. If you can come up with that, no one will want you on the jury.

4. Ask a lot of questions. Certain lawyers will appreciate this because it's distracting. But, their opponent will immediately have you replaced for the same reason. Make sure to ask really obnoxious, meaningless questions. "Pardon me, can you please tell me again, why is murder illegal?"

5. Always be in favor of the death penalty, no matter what the charge is.

6. Come to court wearing a bicycle helmet, a Kool-Aid stained t-shirt, bright pink shorts, and smear cottage cheese all over your face. If you can master it, say all of your sentences backwards.

7. Take diligent notes and announce that you have an interview with a local reporter that evening.

8. Bring your cell phone to court (I knew there was a purpose for those damn things) and call your drug dealer while the trial is going on.  If you don't have a drug dealer, get one. Scratch that. Bad idea. You may end up in court for a different reason.

9. Ask the prosecutor what the make, model, and color of their vehicle is. Then, quickly walk out of the courtroom. Return ten minutes later, don't say anything, just glare at them.

10. Inform both sides you could do their job better than them, because you watch Judge Judy.

11. Carve an X into your forehead. Make sure none of Manson's "family" is aware of this stunt.

12. Enter the courtroom wearing a shirt that says "F*** the judicial system".

13. Loudly pass gas every time the judge speaks.

14. Bring an envelope with you. Once inside, open it, revealing the white powder inside. Drop it and say "oops". Run out of the courtroom screaming.

15. Announce that you are related to either the defendant or the victim. Again, no facts will be checked.

16. I doubt this would work, but tell the judge you think you left the stove on.

17. When anyone is sworn in, they are asked to put their hand on a Bible and swear to tell the truth. When this happens, yell out "Separation of church and state!"  The ACLU will jump all over this (because they're a bunch of hippies) and a whole new trial will begin.  You may get stuck having to testify in that one.

18. Pretend you're deaf.

These are just some of the many ideas I have. If you like what you read here, and would like the full, six volume set of "How To Get Out of Jury Duty", please send a self addressed envelope, and $49.99 to:

Rufus T Firefly

Leavenworth Prison
Cell Block A
Level 4
Cell 192

[Rich Greenback]

After being married for 37 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said: 'Honey, 37 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21-year-old gal.

Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, king-size bed, an LCD big screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 58-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 21-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.   

[montan]

u would-have-been chosen another career

[Rich Greenback]

u would-have-been chosen another career

Whacha ... wait for it ... you could do a whole comedy routine on the joke that the majority of PTC sites have become.



(Yes, that is George Lopez.)

[Rich Greenback]

Maybe you could use all of your pennies from PTC sites (whatever's actually left, that is) to try doing what this guy did: 

Paying in all pennies at a restaurant: 

At a jewelry store: 

At a used car lot: 

[Rich Greenback]

A walker noticed an old lady sitting on her front step, so he walked up to her and said,
'I couldn't help noticing how happy you look!  What is your secret?'



'I smoke ten cigars a day,' she said.   'Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.  Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every day, and eat only junk food.  On week-ends, I pop pills, get laid, and do no other exercise at all.'

'That is absolutely amazing!  How old are you?'

'Twenty-four,' she replied.